“Little faith”
*This article was originally written in March 2023
An Artwork and Devotion based on Matthew 14:22-33.
“31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.”
In the past few weeks, as I grow ever closer toward vicarage, I experienced something completely new in my life: a crisis of faith. As a Pastor’s son and a Registered Card Carrying Life-Long Lutheran™️, I had never really found myself in a position of doubt throughout my childhood and adolescence. Then, out of nowhere, I was afflicted with the temptations of the devil: “what if you’re making all this up and lying to yourself,” “what if you only believe this because it’s what your family taught you,” “what if you don’t actually believe?” I was very alarmed. As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I quickly fell into a spiral. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel like I believed; Yet, I didn’t believe anything else. I would look in the mirror, and say “well, of course I believe that God made me, and that the devil is tormenting me, and that Christ died to save me from this sin,” but that wasn’t enough to calm my nerves. What if I didn’t really mean it? What if, somehow, I lost my faith, and I became separated from God? I tried everything: I prayed the Lord’s Prayer, I recited the Apostle’s Creed, I went to worship every chance I got and sang hymns harder than I ever had in my nearly 25 years of life, I consulted my fieldwork pastor, my classmates, a deaconess, my wife, my parents. I felt like I was choking.
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Then, after about a week of this, I went to help with a Higher Things Youth Retreat at my Dad’s congregation in Indiana. There, I spoke to the guest pastor who was there to lecture the retreat. I talked with him for a long time over the course of the weekend, desperate to feel my faith again. I was beginning to pour my heart out to him, when he began to talk over me: “In the stead and by the command of my Lord Jesus Christ I absolve you of all your sins, Amen.” I stopped dead in my tracks, in tears. “Ben, you are baptized, is that a good thing or a bad thing?” It’s a good thing. “Then you have faith. You are a sinner, is that a good thing or a bad thing?” That’s a bad thing.
The next day, I still felt a weight in my heart. I fell to my knees begging God for the peace He promised: the peace which passes all understanding. I went to the pastor again. Through talking with Him I realized a number of things:
1) I was baptized, and God was never going to let me go.
2) It did not matter how I felt about my faith, because faith isn’t based on emotions or feelings, its based on the grace of God. I had been spending time having faith in my faith rather than in Christ.
3) The peace God promises, the kind that passes all understanding, does what it says— It passes the realm of things we can understand. The peace God gives to us isn’t always this warm and cozy feeling of “I feel Jesus in my heart.” Jesus is in the Word, the Sacraments, and the forgiveness of sins. He sends His holy angels to guard and protect us. He does not go away when you stop thinking about Him.
When Peter was beginning to sink, the Lord rescued Him. He says to Peter “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” Yet, Jesus Himself says “if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20) Clearly, having “little faith” isn’t entirely a bad thing, because it means that you have faith in the first place. And in this sinful world, how great of a faith can we really have? Our questions and doubts are a natural part of our sinful nature. When I read this passage from the narrative of Christ walking on the water, I feel that one interpretation could see Jesus as showing sympathy toward Peter, who put more faith in his own faith than in Christ Himself. Christ is there to pick us up when we falter, to comfort us when we have fear, and to carry us through the storms of doubt.
If you ever find yourself doubting your own faith, know that even the greatest disciples, prophets, and theologians went through times where their faith did not feel solid. Thanks be to God that Christ, the author of our faith, is also the perfecter of it, sustaining our faith through the Holy Spirit, and calling us close to Himself.
This piece of art was developed and made as I recovered from this episode of spiritual warfare. I channeled much of my emotions into it, and I believe that shows in the mood of the piece. Even when the storms are raging, Christ is still there. Even when you feel hopeless, Christ is still there. Even when you feel like you’re drowning, Christ is still there. Repent of your sins, yes, but also know that God forgives and has called you through Baptism into His family.
I offer this prayer for meditation to accompany this artwork:
“Lord God, Heavenly Father, Your Son saved Peter from his own doubts as you rescued him out of the sea. Rescue me when I fail and carry me when I fall, that at the appointed time I may be called through my baptism to live with you in the new creation forever, in Jesus Christ, Your Son, Our Lord. Amen.”
